A Softer Kind of Strength
I’ve started writing this at least five times, each draft revealing something new about me. It led me to some deep insights about myself and my transition to a 40+ Amanda. My 30’s were spent learning strength, independence and resilience. And that took a lot of mindset shifts that benefited me greatly. I learned I could do things on my own, I learned to trust myself and I developed an unwavering confidence in myself.
Something’s changed in this decade. I’ve softened. I crave peace more than achievement these days. I’m still strong and independent, but my strength feels calmer now. It’s more of a calm confidence that doesn’t need to prove itself.
I want slow mornings, weekends that feel fulfilling and deep relationships. I’m softer now, though definitely not weaker. I’m just a little more grounded in who I am and what really matters to me.
Here are 6 mindset shifts that shaped me after 40. These are a few reminders that growth isn’t always loud and visible. Really, its a subtle, beautiful kind of change that happens when you stop chasing and start being.
1. I Stopped Trying to Control Everything and Let Life Flow
For most of my life, I thought if I planned enough, ruminated enough, or held on tightly enough, things would go my way. But life doesn’t really work like that. It has its own rhythm, and it rarely follows our schedules.
Somewhere along the way, I started learning the art of acceptance. To trust that I don’t need to micromanage every detail for things to work out the way they’re meant to. There’s no amount of overthinking that can force what isn’t.
Reading The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Bernstein cracked that wide open for me. It taught me to loosen my grip, to stop resisting, and to believe that maybe the universe knows what it’s doing.
And honestly, it feels good. Really good.
I didn’t realize how much weight I’d been carrying. I felt intense pressure to make everything perfect and to anticipate every possible outcome I thought I could hold together things that were never mine to control. When I finally started to let go, I felt lighter and more free. I felt more at peace with whatever happens next.
The real strength, I’ve learned, isn’t in holding everything together. Ultimately, it’s in trusting that even if it all falls apart, you’ll still be okay.
2. I Learned That Boundaries Are a Form of Self-Care
This one didn’t come easy. It’s something I still practice every single day.
I grew up believing that being a “good person” meant being accommodating. Be the helper, the caretaker, the one who makes everyone else comfortable. Smile. Be pleasant. That was the message handed to so many of us girls who grew up in the ‘80s, and I carried it deep into adulthood.
But over time, constantly saying yes to things that didn’t fill me up left me feeling resentful and out of alignment with my values. I was exhausted, overextended, and quietly disconnecting from myself.
I started to see that every time I ignored my own needs to make someone else happy, I was sending myself a message: you don’t matter. That realization hurt.
It took time (and unlearning) to understand that taking care of myself isn’t selfish. It’s essential. I still love being a caretaker to the people I love, but I can’t do that when my cup is empty.
So I’ve started setting gentle boundaries, with kindness. Learning to say no to plans I don’t have the energy for. I turn down extra work when my plate is already full. Its essential to give myself quiet, solo time without guilt.
At first, it felt uncomfortable. Honestly, it still does. It’s like I am breaking some invisible rule. But the more I practice, the easier it gets.
3. I Started Embracing My Own Weirdness
Somewhere in my late 30s, I stopped wanting to be the “cool girl.” You know the feeling. You want to be effortlessly chill, well-liked, never too much. I chased that version of myself for years, thinking it would make me feel confident or accepted. But truthfully… I never enjoyed it. It always felt like a performance I couldn’t quite pull off.
Now, I love my weirdness. I love the little quirks that make me me. I love my cozy, eclectic, messy home. Its hilarious the way I mix outdoorsy granola fashion with my elder emo roots. My random movie preferences and music that jumps from horror punk to 2000s pop is a delight. I don’t care if it’s not cool or aesthetically perfect. I love these things because they make me happy.
There’s such freedom in releasing the need to be appealing.
That goes for aging, too. I’ve stopped trying to hide the fact that I’m getting older. I lowkey LOVE my greys, my smile lines, and the fact that I don’t look 25 anymore. There is no need to erase these things or cover them up. I want to honor them gracefully.
The truth is, confidence doesn’t come from looking young or cool, it comes from finally liking who you are.
4. I Finally Forgave My Past
I made a lot of mistakes. Most of us do. But for a long time, I carried mine like they defined me.
My 20s were messy. That time of my life was filled with problematic drinking, heartbreak, desperation and choices I wish I could take back. I dropped out of college, dated some toxic guys. I ignored my own pain or just drank to forget it. There were moments that were reckless and dangerous, and some of those choices followed me for years.
For a long time, I let that version of me be front and center in my mind. I would use it as an excuse or constantly replay old memories, feeling ashamed, wishing I’d done things differently. But holding on to all that guilt kept me stuck. It’s hard to move forward when you’re still punishing yourself for who you used to be.
This shift of forgiving my past is really just a continuation of learning to let go. To stop fighting what’s already done and start accepting what is.
I’ve accepted that I needed to stop drinking. I got help. I’ve accepted that I have wounds from old relationships. I went to therapy. I’ve accepted that those mistakes were part of my path.
And most importantly, I’ve forgiven myself.
Because the truth is, every version of me was just doing her best with what she knew at the time. And when you finally make peace with that, the past stops being a huge burden.
5. I Let Go of Milestones and Started Focusing on Meaning
In the past few years, I started to realize there is no checklist for life. There’s no official measuring stick to tell us if we’re doing it “right.”
Especially for women our age- the millennial women. We were raised for a world that doesn’t exist anymore. The message was clear: we could do anything. We could build careers, have families, chase adventure, find success. We were told it was all possible, and maybe it is… just not all at once.
Women were encouraged to be ambitious. Go to college, build a strong career, buy the house, “have it all.” We stepped into adulthood during housing crashes, unstable job markets, and completely new expectations for women. The old roadmap didn’t fit anymore.
And now most of us are just trying to find our own rhythm. We’re learning as we go, redefining what success and happiness really mean for us.
I tried to keep up. I felt the pressure to follow the invisible script: buy a house, get a promotion, find a husband, have kids, max out my 401(k). But now, at 41, I have never married, no kids, I have a steady job but not swimming in wealth. I just shrug and think, Oh well, whatever.
Because here’s the thing: I’m happy. Genuinely happy with my life.
It took me time to find a healthy, loving relationship. It took years of inner work to even be ready for one. And while I didn’t hit every stop on that “cookie-cutter path,” I’ve built a life that feels like mine.
Letting go of the timeline has been one of the most freeing things I’ve ever done. There’s no race. No deadline. No scorecard.
I’m living with intention now. I’m not motivated by milestones, but by meaning. I trust that what’s meant for me will reach me when the time is right.
6. I Became Intentional With My Time
Time feels different in your 40s. It’s not that there’s less of it, it just feels more real. I can sense it moving in ways I didn’t before, and that awareness has made me fiercely protective of how I spend it.
These days, I treat my time like something sacred. I no longer give it away out of guilt or obligation. I choose how to spend it, and with whom, more carefully and with more intention.
My days are filled with people who inspire me or make me laugh, places that feel peaceful, and moments that bring joy. These days, I’m drawn to connection that feels real and conversations that go deeper than small talk. I choose hobbies that feed my soul and weekends that bring me back to myself.
And maybe most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel good. Rest doesn’t need to be earned. Joy doesn’t need to be justified.
The more I honor my time, the more life gives back in small, little ways that remind me that being present is the most meaningful way to live.
Conclusion: A Softer Kind of Strength
People say that life starts at 40 and I have to agree.
I stopped chasing the version of life I thought I should have and started appreciating the one that’s right here. I’ve learned to trust the flow, to protect my peace, and to love the parts of me I used to hide.
There’s a softness that comes with this decade. It’s the quiet knowing that happiness isn’t found, its chosen.
I don’t have everything figured out. I still overthink and I still make mistakes. But I also feel peace more easily, forgive more quickly, and move through the world with a deeper sense of calm.
If you’re reading this and you’re somewhere in the middle of it all. If you’re growing, unlearning and trying again, I hope you know that you’re not behind. You’re right on time.
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